I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
