im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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