That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
