i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
