never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I need moral support for this bender
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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