went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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