my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
