so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
