This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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