it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
