My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
