No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
