So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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