My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
