I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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