If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Boobs speak an international language.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
