Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
