that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
