i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
