it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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