i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
