I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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