i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
