finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
