I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
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The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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