hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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