I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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