I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
