saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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