take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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