Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
