i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
