Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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