The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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