look no pants
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
