I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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