theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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