umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.