the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
