You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
