I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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