he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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