I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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