Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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