Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So much Jack, so little girl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
