i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
my liver is dry heaving
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
