it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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