The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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