Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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