After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
