If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
