new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
