I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
