i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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