I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize